Carrie
Today I did what I usually do when life sucks too much -- I went to Barnes & Nobles at Union Square and bought some books. I spent the night reading Stephen King's Carrie. It brought back memories of the small public library of my village and my years in college (what is it in the US? Junior High? You know, when you're about 12-13 years old...)
This is useless. The people who read this blog, they are people I've met on the net. People I seldom email to. My friends from high school, my friends from college, my friends from music playing, my hometown friends etc. they don't know about it. Chances are, if you told them about it they wouldn't believe you. This is useless, but I have to say it. These days it's been very difficult to write. Not just this "blog" or whatever it is or tries to be or fails to be. But also emails or letters. I don't know why. Really, I don't. It's just very difficult to sit down and write. So yes, all of you people who write me and yet will not read these lines, I am sorry for not sending out any news. I just can't. It's not that I have forgotten you.
The irony is, I feel this drive to write.
The thing is I'd like a cabin by a lake. I want to look out the window and watch birds do the stupid things birds do to keep themselves busy.
The thing is I'd like to be in a car. I haven't driven in a year and a half now, and I miss it so bad. If you don't like to drive, this is a thing you cannot understand. I like to drive at night, in the rain, in the snow... whatever. I like to drive with the music off also. Listening to the strange noisy silence. You can daydream while you drive. But part of your brains also focuses on the road, changing gears, stopping at a red light etc. While your brains is stretching like that -- performing a very complex operation on the one hand while letting go on the other -- you'd be surprise by what it can dig out. Better than talking to your shrink. For all I know. I never had a shrink. Also, it helps a lot if you have no specific destination. Just fill in the tank, and let the night lead you somewhere.
Right now -- and over the last 6 months -- my life has been a long controlled skid. Really. Same sensation. That of being in control in an unusual situation, but also that of being so totally not in control of anything. As far as I can tell, you can't just get out of a controlled skid anytime you want. Not in a curb. Not when there's also a little of ice or aquaplanning involved. Really, even at best, there's a limit to your control. The good thing is, there is the thrill. The bad thing is, most of the time you put your car into a skid there is a moment when you just wonder whether it was that good an idea. But there is a timing involved. A timing that you canno explain. You just have to feel it. Or crash.
Right now, I wouldn't mind being in a car even if I was not the driver. Just give me someone who can really drive. I want to see the road. I want to be in this capsule traveling in space and time. I want to push the electric lighter. I want to turn up the volume and tell the driver, You have to listen to the [choose an instrument of your choice] part on this song. I want to put my head against the window and watch the poles, the cows, the other cars, the houses rush towards me and disappear.
"Pour une seconde,
Et pour essayer.
Voir si la route est longue
et si elle nous plait."
-- Noir Desir.
This is useless. The people who read this blog, they are people I've met on the net. People I seldom email to. My friends from high school, my friends from college, my friends from music playing, my hometown friends etc. they don't know about it. Chances are, if you told them about it they wouldn't believe you. This is useless, but I have to say it. These days it's been very difficult to write. Not just this "blog" or whatever it is or tries to be or fails to be. But also emails or letters. I don't know why. Really, I don't. It's just very difficult to sit down and write. So yes, all of you people who write me and yet will not read these lines, I am sorry for not sending out any news. I just can't. It's not that I have forgotten you.
The irony is, I feel this drive to write.
The thing is I'd like a cabin by a lake. I want to look out the window and watch birds do the stupid things birds do to keep themselves busy.
The thing is I'd like to be in a car. I haven't driven in a year and a half now, and I miss it so bad. If you don't like to drive, this is a thing you cannot understand. I like to drive at night, in the rain, in the snow... whatever. I like to drive with the music off also. Listening to the strange noisy silence. You can daydream while you drive. But part of your brains also focuses on the road, changing gears, stopping at a red light etc. While your brains is stretching like that -- performing a very complex operation on the one hand while letting go on the other -- you'd be surprise by what it can dig out. Better than talking to your shrink. For all I know. I never had a shrink. Also, it helps a lot if you have no specific destination. Just fill in the tank, and let the night lead you somewhere.
Right now -- and over the last 6 months -- my life has been a long controlled skid. Really. Same sensation. That of being in control in an unusual situation, but also that of being so totally not in control of anything. As far as I can tell, you can't just get out of a controlled skid anytime you want. Not in a curb. Not when there's also a little of ice or aquaplanning involved. Really, even at best, there's a limit to your control. The good thing is, there is the thrill. The bad thing is, most of the time you put your car into a skid there is a moment when you just wonder whether it was that good an idea. But there is a timing involved. A timing that you canno explain. You just have to feel it. Or crash.
Right now, I wouldn't mind being in a car even if I was not the driver. Just give me someone who can really drive. I want to see the road. I want to be in this capsule traveling in space and time. I want to push the electric lighter. I want to turn up the volume and tell the driver, You have to listen to the [choose an instrument of your choice] part on this song. I want to put my head against the window and watch the poles, the cows, the other cars, the houses rush towards me and disappear.
"Pour une seconde,
Et pour essayer.
Voir si la route est longue
et si elle nous plait."
-- Noir Desir.
posted by Cecyl at 6:00 AM
1 Comments:
I like you. :( Don't quit writing. :(
Email me more often. :(
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